So this is what happens when a scammer slides into my work Twitter DMs on a day when I had waaaaaay too many caffeines and then chased them with fioricet...
I started off in perky-helpful customer service mode just in case I was dealing with Granny trying to buy something for a Giftmas present:
Spoiler alert: it wasn’t somebody’s Granny.
...yep this is definitely a scammer. Time to make it weird.
I just googled "stones for cancer" and grabbed this off a website. And then added some (very fake PLEASE DO NOT PUT ROCKS IN YOUR UNDIES okay good chat) TMI for good measure.
Enter the llamas.
I HAVE SO MANY LLAMAS.
Now I'm just making stuff up. It’s getting late and I am VERY punchy
She wants a photo of me? Okay, I can do that.
(What can I say, I just finished watching s4 of The Crown.)
I started running low on llamas here so I had to improvise.
I’m not even bothering to crop out the watermarks anymore but Marie Sonia doesn’t seem to notice.
I found some more llamas.
Marie Sonia was clearly getting a bit overwhelmed by all my llamas so I decided to switch tactics a bit.
Maybe I went a little too far? Also it's getting late and I'm tired so I decide to wrap it up for the night.
I didn't really expect it to go any further but when I woke up the next day Marie Sonia had replied! Hooray! My spirit guide was right!
Marie Sonia does not want any tea.
At this point I'm pretty invested, so I downloaded WhatsApp and gave it a google voice number and contacted her notary. Because it’s 2020 and I’ve been cooped up in my house with a very bored and very smart 9-year-old for the better part of a year now and clearly I am LOSING IT.
Back to Marie Sonia!
Oh drat, he's married. So much for my dreams of money AND a husband.
Feeding the llamas took a while. But I came back.
Marie Sonia seems to be repeating herself a lot, poor dear. But then she sends me a photo!
She really should let me send her some tea, but since she seems adamant about not wanting any, let's go back to our friend the handsome married notary:
I'm also still chatting with Maria Sonia, who is terribly ill:
(Just for the record my parents are still alive as far as I know and also I’m Jewish and the closest thing we have to baptizing is the mikveh and I’m quite certain llamas wouldn’t be allowed to immerse. Are llamas even a kosher animal? Hang on I’ll go ask my rabbi.)
Meanwhile, her notary is being very understanding about the fact that my laser printer is out of ink:
My handwriting is terrible and I'm not a very good photographer either despite all my marvelous photos of my llamas. Also I might have smeared lip balm on my phone’s camera lens before taking this.
He wants my national identity card so I go and try to find it. This will be difficult since I don't have one, but eventually I come up with something:
Oh dear, that's not it. But he helpfully shows me an example of what I'm looking for:
Now it's my turn to get suspicious. So I ask him to draw a picture of a llama to prove that he's a human.
I have not yet received a picture of a llama and I am very disappointed in both Marie Sonia and her notary. Hopefully they will prove me wrong but I am beginning to think I will not be getting $750,000 and my llamas will have to go through yet another winter without a barn. For shame.
Oh wait, the notary is responding!
And meanwhile Marie Sonia is sending me a picture (has she been talking with her notary?) but IT IS NOT A LLAMA:
...I will update if either one of them sends me a picture of a llama.
*six hours pass and no llama drawings are forthcoming*
My llamas and I are feeling very salty about the whole situation:
Maria Sonia does send me a drawing but it's just the Virgin Mary again and that won't do.
Marie Sonya is getting angry now.
Marie Sonia is not convinced.
...and now I am going to bed. But in the morning I’m going tell the notary that his dear dying client is actually a chat bot.
The next morning arrives! Alas, though, the notary ignores my warning:
I grow increasingly concerned for his financial well-being, but he does not want any tea either. Or any socks:
Finally I attempt to proposition him, but to no avail:
...and so it ends here, with a scammer somewhere out in the internet hopefully questioning his life choices, and me with a phone full of llama pictures and - as of just a few minutes ago - a rather large quantity of llama charms: