Maria Sonia and the Llama Llady

So this is what happens when a scammer slides into my work Twitter DMs on a day when I had waaaaaay too many caffeines and then chased them with fioricet...

I started off in perky-helpful customer service mode just in case I was dealing with Granny trying to buy something for a Giftmas present: 

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t somebody’s Granny.   

...yep this is definitely a scammer. Time to make it weird.


I just googled "stones for cancer" and grabbed this off a website. And then added some (very fake PLEASE DO NOT PUT ROCKS IN YOUR UNDIES okay good chat) TMI for good measure.

Enter the llamas.




Now I'm just making stuff up. It’s getting late and I am VERY punchy  

She wants a photo of me? Okay, I can do that.

(What can I say, I just finished watching s4 of The Crown.)

I started running low on llamas here so I had to improvise. 

I’m not even bothering to crop out the watermarks anymore but Marie Sonia doesn’t seem to notice.

I found some more llamas.

Marie Sonia was clearly getting a bit overwhelmed by all my llamas so I decided to switch tactics a bit. 

Maybe I went a little too far? Also it's getting late and I'm tired so I decide to wrap it up for the night.

I didn't really expect it to go any further but when I woke up the next day Marie Sonia had replied! Hooray! My spirit guide was right!

Marie Sonia does not want any tea.



At this point I'm pretty invested, so I downloaded WhatsApp and gave it a google voice number and contacted her notary. Because it’s 2020 and I’ve been cooped up in my house with a very bored and very smart 9-year-old for the better part of a year now and clearly I am LOSING IT.

Back to Marie Sonia!

Oh drat, he's married. So much for my dreams of money AND a husband.

Feeding the llamas took a while. But I came back.


Marie Sonia seems to be repeating herself a lot, poor dear. But then she sends me a photo!

She really should let me send her some tea, but since she seems adamant about not wanting any, let's go back to our friend the handsome married notary:

I'm also still chatting with Maria Sonia, who is terribly ill:

(Just for the record my parents are still alive as far as I know and also I’m Jewish and the closest thing we have to baptizing is the mikveh and I’m quite certain llamas wouldn’t be allowed to immerse. Are llamas even a kosher animal? Hang on I’ll go ask my rabbi.)

Meanwhile, her notary is being very understanding about the fact that my laser printer is out of ink:

My handwriting is terrible and I'm not a very good photographer either despite all my marvelous photos of my llamas. Also I might have smeared lip balm on my phone’s camera lens before taking this.

He wants my national identity card so I go and try to find it. This will be difficult since I don't have one, but eventually I come up with something: 

Oh dear, that's not it. But he helpfully shows me an example of what I'm looking for:

Now it's my turn to get suspicious. So I ask him to draw a picture of a llama to prove that he's a human.

I have not yet received a picture of a llama and I am very disappointed in both Marie Sonia and her notary. Hopefully they will prove me wrong but I am beginning to think I will not be getting $750,000 and my llamas will have to go through yet another winter without a barn. For shame.

Oh wait, the notary is responding!


And meanwhile Marie Sonia is sending me a picture (has she been talking with her notary?) but IT IS NOT A LLAMA: 


...I will update if either one of them sends me a picture of a llama. 

*six hours pass and no llama drawings are forthcoming*

My llamas and I are feeling very salty about the whole situation:

Maria Sonia does send me a drawing but it's just the Virgin Mary again and that won't do.

Marie Sonya is getting angry now.

 Marie Sonia is not convinced.

...and now I am going to bed. But in the morning I’m going tell the notary that his dear dying client is actually a chat bot. 

The next morning arrives! Alas, though, the notary ignores my warning: 

I grow increasingly concerned for his financial well-being, but he does not want any tea either. Or any socks:

Finally I attempt to proposition him, but to no avail:

...and so it ends here, with a scammer somewhere out in the internet hopefully questioning his life choices, and me with a phone full of llama pictures and - as of just a few minutes ago - a rather large quantity of llama charms: